When you got a good thing

Welcome to my Spring Break, and happy first day of Spring tomorrow! It's warm here, and that's shocking.  I sat for 15 minutes out in my backyard with my pup and the sun on my face felt great. It is starting to give those faint smells of Summer in Washington, that smell that I love so much.  You know how different places give off special smells right before it rains, or right after a thunder storm? Well in Seattle it smells great whenever the sun is out.  Its funny when the sun is out because people go mad; they mow lawns and walk dogs and kids run through the streets like crazy little urchins.  On a normal gray day I'm lucky if I get a glimpse of a neighbor's face.
The past couple days have been energized with creativity.  I finished about 3 of my pencil pieces that I had started a while back. It really does feel great to finish something and it is especially good when the finished product looks absolutely great! I have decided to try to keep drawing as much as possible during break, I never get a chance while I'm slaving over school assignments.

Please see my deviant page here.

Well here I am, starting my last quarter before I get my AA degree.  The excitement for moving on to bigger places this fall is rocketing through my veins. I could use some help from someone to walk on my back to get all these stress kinks out.
I think I'm going to try to get a job for the summer, but I'm not going to kill myself just for a position. I'd like to be selective about where I work; something close, easy, and not too degrading. The only thing that matters about the pay is that its something. Maybe I could do some babysitting around the neighborhood or bagging groceries at the market down the street. Let me know if you want me to watch your kids!
I saw a sneak peak preview of the Disney Princess Repunzel movie coming out this Fall, exciting! I miss being a little kid and being able to watch princess movies all the time, but I suppose no one would mind too much if I stick with the habit even as an adult.

Golden goals and things of kings

Boy-wonder of the real golden age.  Of course his reign was not long or world-shatteringly significant, we can't put aside the sparkling fact that he holds a special place in every educated person's heart. Pharaoh Tutankhamen is a cutie by all accounts, especially his coin purse, makes me a bit jealous of his sister.

 

Egyptology is an alluring field of study for all archaeologists I suppose. I think that I could excel in that field... deserts, obelisks, and mummies; why not? I've been extremely interested in archaeology ever since a silly field trip in the 3rd grade visiting the Taos Pueblo, but ask me what I want to do as an archaeologist and I wouldn't be able to give you a straight answer. I like the idea of picking through ancient south american ruins deep in the heart of the Amazon jungle. I also think it would be a torrent of fun to work with primates, linguistics, and ancient religions. I have a physical affinity with paleoanthropology, due to my darling accessory naviculars but I may not have the intellectual drive to follow through with that heavy load of medical studies.

Taos Pueblo, N.M.

I did a bit of research on what its going to be like trying to get a PhD in Archaeology and at first glance it looked just as difficult as I expected it to be. As I read a bit more I realized that most of what I found was aggrandizement trying to make a PhD look like an impossible feat. With only 16 archaeology PhDs awarded in University of WA in 2006 it did seem like a slim chance. But I don't think it is impossible. I think that I will be able to do this with flying colors and not a skipped beat. After I get my AA, I've only got 9 more years to go! Everyday that I receive junk mail in my mailbox will be a day started with a smile. Every envelope I pick up will have the name Dr. K. Harig on it.

Also, I may decided to take another course of action other than the Peace Corps after I get my BA. I think that it may be an interesting experience to help an organization for the aid and preservation of endangered ape species such as orangutans, bonobos, chimpanzees, or gorillas. I mean, how can you say no to a face like this?

There is this thing called responsibility

It's interesting, (what? you say. I don't know how to describe it really).  I just feel odd about everything these days. The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray... I feel like I'm balancing on the edge of a knife. Basically I feel like I am about to fall any second.  I'm trying so hard to keep up with school and I'm getting really fearful because everything is getting more and more difficult.  Just last week I did something so awful and it sears painfully in my brain and hasn't released its grip on me.  I walked into my anatomy class and everyone had scantron answer sheets out and I thought "oh we're having a pop quiz? Hmm..." I sat down and the professor passes out the papers and says "I want you to write the essay portion ON THE EXAM!" Ha, needless to say I was on the verge of tears. I had no idea about the exam. I had been so preoccupied with my red hot levels of stress for the upcoming Spanish exam. I got a close-to fail grade and I surely deserved it. I'm still waiting to hear my score for my Spanish exam but if its not better than the AP one, I'll cry myself into oblivion. If I don't pass all of my classes from now on, I might have to stay here for Summer quarter. That will devastate me for sure. I feel so fragile about everything right now.

My family here is freaking out like an ants nest on fire and I feel awkward because I'm the mooring post for everyone. I am the most stable and composed person out of everyone and that means that I'm the one they come to for advice and help. Don't tell me you think I should be a counselor, I'll slap you. I get enough drama from my family and I refuse to turn that into a lifelong career. I've never been super childish when it comes to how and what I think constantly. I do however, use a nifty guise as an aloof and playful girl when I'm away from all the weights of reality. I enjoy being a bit carefree from time to time. It lets me detach from dreary lane at home.  All my life from years 2-16 when I was living with my mother I was her PDA (personal data assistant). I reminded her when it was time to pay bills, go to work, go to bed, buy groceries, but too bad I couldn't get her to clean or remember to pick me up from after-school activities.  When I left for the summer in 2000 she went crazy and I came home to a new sister on the way.  Hazel and I probably grew closer together than Jana and I did because I was beyond my sibling rivalry years and slightly more prepared to help.  I take 100% of the credit for teaching Hazel to read, care about her studies, and ultimately skip a grade the next school year. That was the last year I lived with my mom, and unfortunately I don't entirely know the status of Hazel's academic level.  I admit not being particularly close with Jana, and in my opinion it had a lot to do with sibling rivalry when we were younger. As a 4 year old in Jana's first year, I was utterly pissed with my mother for not giving me a little brother like I asked.  Poor Jana was singled out by my disregard for her existence, and since I guide my mother it may seem that my mother turned from her a little bit also. I feel guilty  deep down for not holding my family together better, but when I step back and analyze it as a whole, how was a child like me supposed to be the sole person responsible for supporting a family's emotions?

I also feel like a deserter for leaving. When I left the house, the family just crumbled apart. My mother lost it and dumped her long-term boyfriend (who provided the financial support for the 5 years they were together). She lost her house and was forced to live somewhere else. I can't say exactly what happened because its all in shadow for me. But it seems like mom lost her touch even more with a teenage Jana and may have been relying on the support of Hazel who has never had to be a family rock in all her life. I've always tried being a good role model for my sisters and sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough, or if it even matters...

Today things are a bit scary because my mom is jobless with her current residence in extreme danger of being lost. Jana is reaching out to the wrong people for support because her family has never given her any. And Hazel is coming onto that age where she may make a turn for the worst if she's weighed down too much by a struggling family. I feel guilty for leaving my family behind, but I also feel very responsible to keep myself on the straight and narrow so that I will be free to care for a family of my own some day. I'm tight-rope balancing on the blade of knife.

Not so sure about these things

I don't usually make a great effort at advertising my eligibility for romantic encounters.  I'm so busy with school at the moment (I'll expand on this in a moment) and I just don't have the time to go out and woo and get wooed.  So my relationship with my current lover is getting dangerously unstable because neither he nor I have time to spend with each other and therefore are not leaving our "honeymoon" phase like a proper couple should.  I'm getting uncomfortable stagnating in the honeymoon phase and having to force myself to come up with reasons to stay with him.  I'm also getting pushed into what I call the "healer's corner" thats when I'm only there because I feel the need to fix or heal the person (and usually I'm not able to). When I'm in the healer's corner I will inevitably forget the reasons I am in a relationship in the first place, like love. I never win when I'm stuck in the corner. I end up leaving and feeling like a failure because I can't help the person and maybe even made them worse than before. So I'm not sure about how to deal with this.  What I like most is that he checks off all my required boxes for the Mr. Right checklist; the only problem is that I can't get into him. Usually I am complaining about how easily I fall into an infatuation but this time it's completely different.  I feel like I need to please him but I end up falling short because I'm not comfortable (we've only been seeing each other sporadically for the past year). This uncomfortableness is relatively new to me because in the past I've had absolutely no problems jumping off bridges for men.  Half of me thinks some catalyst will make things work and the other half is saying that its obviously not going to work.
For the past three weeks I have been surprised at how smooth my classes were going.  Besides being terrified of my Anatomy teacher and intolerant for Spanish 122 everything has been relatively easy.  This weekend was my congratulatory celebration at my arrival into Hell.  All of my teachers (except for PE of course) decided to assign major weekend projects.  Due on Monday: a 2-5 page essay on genetics for Biological Anthropology, 3 sets of video questions for Spanish, 2 Anatomy worksheets, study for a Spanish exam and a Anthropology exam, and I promised to help a classmate study for the Anthropology exam by typing all of my lecture notes.  So I woke up extra early on Saturday to get started on my marathon and before I knew it the sun was down and I hadn't even eaten breakfast. With a little less than half of my genetics essay done and everything else to go, I was super worried, super tired, and super hungry.  No worries, I don't expect to go insane quite yet, but who knows, it might not be far off if I have more weekends like this.  Today I woke up early again and geared for some hard core scholastic adventures, but to my dismay we were all out of caffeinated tea and I wasn't ready to go to battle without some extra influence.  Its a short and very cold bike ride to the store for sure. I rarely ever drink energy drinks, but my brain was begging for a binge today. So my day was fueled by a continuous supply of caffeine, and now I'm 90% done with everything.  I'll have to remind myself not to look over my work tomorrow or else I might come to find out that my drug-induced ramblings hardly make justice for a genetics essay or that hyped up spanglish doesn't get full credit on video questions. It'll have to do.
Anyways, CWU wants me to send them $100 as a confirmation that I've chosen to attend in the Fall (as if their tuition isn't going to be enough to kill me?), if anyone wants to make a donation, it would be fabulously appreciated.

Relaxing is my thing

So as crazy as it all boils down to during this first week and a half of class, I feel pretty serene.  I have been officially accepted to Central Washington University for Fall quarter of 2010.  I think that is a pretty decent accomplishment on my part because I have been known to be very lazy and non-punctual.
I have a treat for everyone today. Its an old picture of my little sis Jana, my soul-twin Sean, and little me.

Awww look I'm so cute! And if you're wondering where I am when this was taken, no I'm not in the snow, its White Sands Missile Range in New Mexico. Yeah, so that's your gift, happy birthday.
I'm thinking I need to be on a reality TV show. It'll be tough to get onto one though, because we all know everyone who applies is faker than a cake. But I figure I'll just get dandy with a producer or something. Easy peasy. But anyways, this show is gonna probably be something like the Bachelorette but Hell no I won't promise to marry anyone. I think I should just be able to date a plethora of men at once and have them physically battle each other to the death for the chance to win my heart (but they won't win because that's silly). I just want to see the fists fly. It could be called The Bachelorette: Colosseum of Gladiators! And all the men can be fat nerds too! That would be wonderful. And if anyone cries, besides me, they will get automatically disqualified. Needless to say, the show should last a whole day or two of filming before failing.
So I want everyone to know that dogs are amazing! My sweet pea BB is the best dog I could have ever asked for. I love how I come home early with my new school schedule and I'm just exhausted and jonesing for a nap and she just plops up on my bed and snuggles with me until I fall asleep.  Her fluffy little body is the best cuddly bear for afternoon naps.  I have two words to say: Unconditional Love. Wow, that's deep.