Monday, December 31, 2012

Surprise! heart attack

Its been a long time since I've had a panic attack and I really don't like having these sudden randomly reoccurring panic attacks. I'm hoping they don't stick around for much longer. I'm hoping they fade away and I can continue to function normally with my boring little life.  These attacks are not unwarranted, I can say that for sure. In the past month, so much emotional baggage has been pressed into my shoulders that it is hard to go through a whole day with having a sudden realization that real life is knocking on my front door and is locked and loaded waiting for me to answer so it can shoot me in the face with its shotgun.  I'm terrified and I can't shake the feeling dammit.
My first issue is this: my graduation is imminent. You'd think this is good news, but for me its looking like a death sentence.  I have been relying solely on financial aid for the past 3 years.  I now have to scramble to find job so that I can be financially responsible.  I can barely keep up with my scholarly responsibilities and I don't think the real world is going to be any easier.
My second issue: my family is emigrating to Florida.  Well, my mother and sister left for Florida several months ago, but now my grandmother (my one strong stable familial mentor) is planning to leave too.  It appears that she will be leaving in early March, and this is before I finish my last bit of school.  I'm worried that if I don't find a job at the right time and I need somewhere to land in my time of need, she's not going to be here.  My grandfather is going to Florida to officially retire.  He's come upon some difficult health concerns.  This is hard to think of, and say, but this brings me to terrible thoughts of the temporary state of humans, the mortality of my family, and the uncertainty of how things are going to be in the future.  I've only experienced the loss of a family member once in my life, and I only remember a short moment of my grief because I was five.  I'm not sure of how to deal with things like this.
My third issue: Where am I going to go when I have nothing at the end of March. No financial aid for April's rent. No job, no house, nothing. I'm going to have to get rid of all my excess possessions.  I'm going to pack up all of my necessary items into the pickup truck and I'm going to live homeless in it, stealing internet from coffee houses, showering at gyms, stealing food from the grocery store... I've had a long conversation with my father and he believes that he knows so many people that he can help me find a job in my hometown Carson City.  I could be a waitress at a casino or a hotel maid.  I can see all the bright lights in store for me.  In all honesty, I can certainly see myself surfing my father's sofa.  Its not a terrible idea.  His new business seems to be taking flight, albeit slowly, but at least he has something right now.  At least I know that since my dad never leaves Nevada, he will always be there.
My fourth issue: my social life is a little--no, a lot fucked up right now.  I couldn't have made a worse social feaux pas with some very good friends while unacceptably drunk at a party.  You know how all of us have some little skeletons in our closets and we like to keep them safely tucked away to keep ourselves and everyone else around us on solid ground?  Well, my skeleton got loose from his closet, got blackout shitfaced, went streaking, violated some personal spaces (including mine), drunk dialed people he shouldn't have, drunk dialed people that he should have, and wrecked a bathroom using the ten commandments as toilet paper.  I suppose we've all been there.  At least I like to pretend that everyone can relate... This is my biggest issue at the moment. As normal, I have reclused myself away from the world and have not dealt with any of it properly. Actually, I'm going to come clean here: I don't know how to deal with this properly. I have no idea. Do I call people and say I'm sorry? Do I cry in front of some people and beg for forgiveness in my humility? Do I run away? Yes... that sounds good, I'll do that. I'll just run away from it! ...[sob]
No doubt I have learned a few limits for myself.  That's the best news.  The whole experience has me questioning my inner self.  What do these drunken actions mean about my uninhibited desires?  People say that when you're drunk you are your truest self.  I don't know how that can be true.  I think that its not that simple.  When you're drunk, you're not allowed to protect yourself from making good long-term decisions. Its not about what you wanted to do drunk or don't want to do sober.  Does she look fat in those jeans? Well, yeah but I want to continue being friends with her in the future so normal circumstances dictate my answer to be the soft lie or the gentle let-down, drunken circumstances lead me down the short-term selfish path of blurting out how fat her ass always looks in all of her jeans.