Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Thirty-two and a half

Its been a long journey since I decided to start making healthier decisions about my diet.  I can honestly say that a lot has changed and not just my appearance.  I was a bit of a shy gal back in '08.  I had my colorful moments spattered here and there, but its nothing to the daily rainbow fountain I am today.  I get a kick out of reading my old diary entrees from back then.  I had a somewhat low self-esteem, although I doubt I've ever had a very poor sense of self.  My diary oozes with worries about never being able to go out and have fun with people and serious lack in friends; but this can certainly be racked up as a complete lack of trying. I was terribly lazy and over cautious about making friends.  I made a couple here and there, but I sure didn't know how to maintain a relationship with them. But congratulations to me for losing 32.5lbs. since 2008.  Hopefully this means I've completely grown out of my weird 'teen-age' shell.
Art by Viria13
I've been feeling a bit lonely today. I don't think its for lack of friends this time, I seem to have made quite a few new friends and that's great. I can't put my finger just on it though. I feel like I'm missing something--no, someone.  Might be because I got a call form my brother a couple days ago and I haven't heard from him in months.  I think there is a void in my social repertoire, I seem to be missing a main friend.  I can call my best friend Gwen, we can chat for a while, and that's about it.  But that's not quite enough right now.  The distance between us is much too difficult to overcome at the moment. I think I need something a little more tangible on a regular basis.  I haven't had a craving for this kind of intimacy in a long time.  Every time I try to fill this void it doesn't seem to work out very well. I've been doing something wrong I suppose.  I know my acid tongue and clever wit are hard to handle for most people.  I wish I could explain myself better.  I really hate to insult people seriously, but I have my own way of showing affection; if I'm calling you all the most horrible names in the book, it just means I REALLY like you.  Its pre-school logic: the people I like most are going to get pushed into the sandbox more often.  Honestly, I'm working hard on trying to be a bit nicer to everyone. Please try to take these punches as a compliment in the highest regards.  My friends really are great people, and I don't want to drive them away with a bitchy attitude.
I really like the wintertime, but I always feel like I'm losing touch with the real world whenever it rolls around.  I feel like I've been detached from everything, but I know I'm not. Maybe its just the cold weather and I don't want to leave my warm and cozy house.  Quick somebody save me from this macrame!