I can't get out of my house. And that is not because its snowing like crazy out side. Or is it? I haven't figured it out yet. Whatever the case, I haven't been able to leave my house in days and every time I try I get so nauseous and uncomfortable. I always had a fear when I was a child that I would be one of those people that becomes fully or slightly agoraphobic and a hermit. Actually, the thought of just sitting safely at home with no worries or problems seems like a very nice lifestyle. Snapping back to reality, I fully understand that I cannot perform most of my duties for school, work, or family sitting around all day. I've got to leave some time. But my problem is bigger than agoraphobia right now. I have never really felt the stress and uncertainty of a school senior until this moment. I always sided with the high school teachers who said the slackers were experiencing "senioritis" and they deserve to flunk and stay another year. Am I a slacker? Is that really why I can't get out of bed in the morning or commit myself to the 1.5mi bike ride to class. I can't seem to define what exactly I'm afraid of. It might be the terrible cold, the lonely campus, the stupid bike ride, the boring class lecture, or maybe... maybe I'm afraid to graduate. I'm afraid that once I have that diploma I am going to accrue all of these monstrous responsibilities that I've never had to deal with before. I'm going to have things to take care of and it is uncertain right now that I will be able to care for anything.
I had a strange morning a few days ago where I sprung out of bed an hour early with panic in my heart and I began putting my unnecessary belongings (mostly clothing) into big black trash bags. All I could think was "I'm going to graduate and I'm not going to be able to find work; I'm going to be homeless. I need to downsize my belongings to fit in a portable duffle bag. Everything else has to go." And I was crying because I so love all of my adorable little knick-knacks that decorate my home. I was terribly sad that later I was going to have to replace everything I had worked for. What if I stay homeless forever? What if my dog and I have to sleep under a freeway overpass for months because I can't find work? I didn't throw these things away... yet. I've decided to hold onto them until the last possible moment. But all I need is another panicked morning to tip me over the edge.
I've told my academic adviser that I'm going to work for a few years before I can afford to continue onto graduate school; this is a white lie. I am going to work to save up some money, however I do not really want to get a job related to Anthropology. In fact, I would very much like to get a simple job for a few years, like being a clerk at a department store or a waitress at Applebee's. I'm so incredibly burnt out on this subject field that I am getting to the point where I want nothing to do with it. I've come up with several places to send my full academic resume so that my academic adviser will be satisfied, however I do not really intend to pursue these jobs. I have the know-how to jump back into the scholarly world once I've roamed for a while. I just want to be somewhere where I have the fewest responsibilities, a get paid just enough to get by, and maybe put a little in the bank.
Maybe one of you, my readers, can tell me what to do about this senioritis. How can I shake it? Or how can I cope with it? Any experiences yourself?