Monday, February 8, 2010

There is this thing called responsibility

It's interesting, (what? you say. I don't know how to describe it really).  I just feel odd about everything these days. The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray... I feel like I'm balancing on the edge of a knife. Basically I feel like I am about to fall any second.  I'm trying so hard to keep up with school and I'm getting really fearful because everything is getting more and more difficult.  Just last week I did something so awful and it sears painfully in my brain and hasn't released its grip on me.  I walked into my anatomy class and everyone had scantron answer sheets out and I thought "oh we're having a pop quiz? Hmm..." I sat down and the professor passes out the papers and says "I want you to write the essay portion ON THE EXAM!" Ha, needless to say I was on the verge of tears. I had no idea about the exam. I had been so preoccupied with my red hot levels of stress for the upcoming Spanish exam. I got a close-to fail grade and I surely deserved it. I'm still waiting to hear my score for my Spanish exam but if its not better than the AP one, I'll cry myself into oblivion. If I don't pass all of my classes from now on, I might have to stay here for Summer quarter. That will devastate me for sure. I feel so fragile about everything right now.
My family here is freaking out like an ants nest on fire and I feel awkward because I'm the mooring post for everyone. I am the most stable and composed person out of everyone and that means that I'm the one they come to for advice and help. Don't tell me you think I should be a counselor, I'll slap you. I get enough drama from my family and I refuse to turn that into a lifelong career. I've never been super childish when it comes to how and what I think constantly. I do however, use a nifty guise as an aloof and playful girl when I'm away from all the weights of reality. I enjoy being a bit carefree from time to time. It lets me detach from dreary lane at home.  All my life from years 2-16 when I was living with my mother I was her PDA (personal data assistant). I reminded her when it was time to pay bills, go to work, go to bed, buy groceries, but too bad I couldn't get her to clean or remember to pick me up from after-school activities.  When I left for the summer in 2000 she went crazy and I came home to a new sister on the way.  Hazel and I probably grew closer together than Jana and I did because I was beyond my sibling rivalry years and slightly more prepared to help.  I take 100% of the credit for teaching Hazel to read, care about her studies, and ultimately skip a grade the next school year. That was the last year I lived with my mom, and unfortunately I don't entirely know the status of Hazel's academic level.  I admit not being particularly close with Jana, and in my opinion it had a lot to do with sibling rivalry when we were younger. As a 4 year old in Jana's first year, I was utterly pissed with my mother for not giving me a little brother like I asked.  Poor Jana was singled out by my disregard for her existence, and since I guide my mother it may seem that my mother turned from her a little bit also. I feel guilty  deep down for not holding my family together better, but when I step back and analyze it as a whole, how was a child like me supposed to be the sole person responsible for supporting a family's emotions?
I also feel like a deserter for leaving. When I left the house, the family just crumbled apart. My mother lost it and dumped her long-term boyfriend (who provided the financial support for the 5 years they were together). She lost her house and was forced to live somewhere else. I can't say exactly what happened because its all in shadow for me. But it seems like mom lost her touch even more with a teenage Jana and may have been relying on the support of Hazel who has never had to be a family rock in all her life. I've always tried being a good role model for my sisters and sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough, or if it even matters...
Today things are a bit scary because my mom is jobless with her current residence in extreme danger of being lost. Jana is reaching out to the wrong people for support because her family has never given her any. And Hazel is coming onto that age where she may make a turn for the worst if she's weighed down too much by a struggling family. I feel guilty for leaving my family behind, but I also feel very responsible to keep myself on the straight and narrow so that I will be free to care for a family of my own some day. I'm tight-rope balancing on the blade of knife.