Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Beau♥, beau♥, black sheepX

Its an interesting life, this one of mine.  Around the new year I decided I wanted to make myself a bit more appealing in a way that would bring the attention of men with the purpose of having a more serious and monogamous relationship.  An interesting turn of events has spun my tables in a completely different direction.  I was having a hard time sticking to my rigid new year's "resolution." Instead of dropping all of my inamoratos, I've come to acquire a few more.  I always hate when I have to drop one because my schedule, emotions, and energy just can't support them all; I also hate when I have to drop one because there just isn't any chemistry or connection coming from within me.  I hate loosing them, and that's because I really hate loosing the possibility to get attention from them.  Well, at least it seems to be following the theory of "one door closes and another one opens."  I'm enjoying being able to spend (exactly the perfect amount of) time with each of my gentlemen friends each day of the week.  I can't explain why or how these circumstances befall me.  Sometimes I'm just so excited to see my swain... so excited to feel his touch--I don't realize that I've gone over the edge with him until later when I have had time to cool my jets and contemplate the day.  Sometimes I wonder if my heart doesn't know how to work right.  I feel the rush of the moment, and I feel the farthest reaches of my passion, but I don't know how to make feelings last any longer.  I've felt those stirrings that poets have been repeating over the ages, but I'm always left with an empty and lonely shell of a heart once the date ends.  I'm finding myself always in a state of wild anticipation until the next man stumbles onto my doorstep.  I'm the witch living in the candy cottage waiting for the next victim to submit to her delicious temptations.  I really and truly enjoy the company of  these gentlemen, and I can't wait until the next time I get to spend time with one.  Its become the high (the addiction) I've been avoiding for years.  My starstruck eyes have not been able to determine if the path I travel truly is a dangerous one; but my brain tells me its a fool's hope to wish otherwise.  Well, I suppose I could send out an S.O.S. now; if someone knows a good way for me to save myself from impending doom, please let me know (until then, I guess I'll just have to continue enjoying my playtime like a good stack of fresh-hot brownies).
Its not just men I've been hoping to share my affections with.  I've been so overjoyed lately at the activities that I've been able to enjoy with female accompaniment.  I don't know what my aprehension is when it comes to connecting with other women.  I just get really nervous and sometimes feel a little intimidated when I try to strike up a friendship with them.  If only someone could just tell me the secret to being able to talk to women, all my inner struggles will be solved.  I really do love being able to spend time with the ladies.  I really like listening to all the stories and adventures that energize their hearts and their hatred.  There is always a lurking desire to have a few lady friends that I can trust to be reliable and stable.  Honestly, I'm trying really hard to keep my motivation to seek out this female companionship.  I don't want fear to overcome me this time.