Not so sure about these things

I don't usually make a great effort at advertising my eligibility for romantic encounters.  I'm so busy with school at the moment (I'll expand on this in a moment) and I just don't have the time to go out and woo and get wooed.  So my relationship with my current lover is getting dangerously unstable because neither he nor I have time to spend with each other and therefore are not leaving our "honeymoon" phase like a proper couple should.  I'm getting uncomfortable stagnating in the honeymoon phase and having to force myself to come up with reasons to stay with him.  I'm also getting pushed into what I call the "healer's corner" thats when I'm only there because I feel the need to fix or heal the person (and usually I'm not able to). When I'm in the healer's corner I will inevitably forget the reasons I am in a relationship in the first place, like love. I never win when I'm stuck in the corner. I end up leaving and feeling like a failure because I can't help the person and maybe even made them worse than before. So I'm not sure about how to deal with this.  What I like most is that he checks off all my required boxes for the Mr. Right checklist; the only problem is that I can't get into him. Usually I am complaining about how easily I fall into an infatuation but this time it's completely different.  I feel like I need to please him but I end up falling short because I'm not comfortable (we've only been seeing each other sporadically for the past year). This uncomfortableness is relatively new to me because in the past I've had absolutely no problems jumping off bridges for men.  Half of me thinks some catalyst will make things work and the other half is saying that its obviously not going to work.
For the past three weeks I have been surprised at how smooth my classes were going.  Besides being terrified of my Anatomy teacher and intolerant for Spanish 122 everything has been relatively easy.  This weekend was my congratulatory celebration at my arrival into Hell.  All of my teachers (except for PE of course) decided to assign major weekend projects.  Due on Monday: a 2-5 page essay on genetics for Biological Anthropology, 3 sets of video questions for Spanish, 2 Anatomy worksheets, study for a Spanish exam and a Anthropology exam, and I promised to help a classmate study for the Anthropology exam by typing all of my lecture notes.  So I woke up extra early on Saturday to get started on my marathon and before I knew it the sun was down and I hadn't even eaten breakfast. With a little less than half of my genetics essay done and everything else to go, I was super worried, super tired, and super hungry.  No worries, I don't expect to go insane quite yet, but who knows, it might not be far off if I have more weekends like this.  Today I woke up early again and geared for some hard core scholastic adventures, but to my dismay we were all out of caffeinated tea and I wasn't ready to go to battle without some extra influence.  Its a short and very cold bike ride to the store for sure. I rarely ever drink energy drinks, but my brain was begging for a binge today. So my day was fueled by a continuous supply of caffeine, and now I'm 90% done with everything.  I'll have to remind myself not to look over my work tomorrow or else I might come to find out that my drug-induced ramblings hardly make justice for a genetics essay or that hyped up spanglish doesn't get full credit on video questions. It'll have to do.
Anyways, CWU wants me to send them $100 as a confirmation that I've chosen to attend in the Fall (as if their tuition isn't going to be enough to kill me?), if anyone wants to make a donation, it would be fabulously appreciated.

Relaxing is my thing

So as crazy as it all boils down to during this first week and a half of class, I feel pretty serene.  I have been officially accepted to Central Washington University for Fall quarter of 2010.  I think that is a pretty decent accomplishment on my part because I have been known to be very lazy and non-punctual.
I have a treat for everyone today. Its an old picture of my little sis Jana, my soul-twin Sean, and little me.

Awww look I'm so cute! And if you're wondering where I am when this was taken, no I'm not in the snow, its White Sands Missile Range in New Mexico. Yeah, so that's your gift, happy birthday.
I'm thinking I need to be on a reality TV show. It'll be tough to get onto one though, because we all know everyone who applies is faker than a cake. But I figure I'll just get dandy with a producer or something. Easy peasy. But anyways, this show is gonna probably be something like the Bachelorette but Hell no I won't promise to marry anyone. I think I should just be able to date a plethora of men at once and have them physically battle each other to the death for the chance to win my heart (but they won't win because that's silly). I just want to see the fists fly. It could be called The Bachelorette: Colosseum of Gladiators! And all the men can be fat nerds too! That would be wonderful. And if anyone cries, besides me, they will get automatically disqualified. Needless to say, the show should last a whole day or two of filming before failing.
So I want everyone to know that dogs are amazing! My sweet pea BB is the best dog I could have ever asked for. I love how I come home early with my new school schedule and I'm just exhausted and jonesing for a nap and she just plops up on my bed and snuggles with me until I fall asleep.  Her fluffy little body is the best cuddly bear for afternoon naps.  I have two words to say: Unconditional Love. Wow, that's deep.

People say mean things

I just had a pretty lousy day yesterday.  I drop a message for an old friend/ex saying hello and wondering why I was suddenly removed from his list of friends on his online profiles.  So the message got intercepted by his current girlfriend who for some reason felt like my message was some sort of secret code for "I want to have sex with you" and she went totally berserk. Thats where I got confused and I still haven't recovered. So I wanted to call him up and ask whats up with the psycho hosebeast (of course I would never use that actual language because I had a smidgen of doubt and figured she probably thought I was someone else.) But I bet you can't guess who answered his phone! Nevermind, I'd lose that bet. Yep its her and she's still so pissed she won't listen to a word I say. So I call up some old buddies asking around if he's got a new number, sure enough he does. At that point she was still calling and texting me calling me horrible names. Heh, I'm still confused! I really want to know why I'm being attacked. What have I done to her to deserve this? I sent a text to his new number with a question I know only he can answer so that I know for sure that its really him. I get a text back avoiding the answer so I say "Umm no. Thats the wrong answer sorry." and I stop replying texts and I don't answer the calls from this number either. Eventually I get a voicemail, and voicemails are pretty safe for me I suppose because I'm not required to reply. Well, its him. He says "Stop bothering me and my family. If you keep calling here I will change my number." end of message. Wow... I don't think I called him once. I sent a message (don't even know if he read it) and a text asking if the new number was really him. You can't possibly imagine the confusion I'm swimming in right now. I'm on the major defensive and I get treated like an offender!
I figure the couple must be truly agitated about something unbeknown to me and I just happened to drop my hello at the wrong moment. My deep psychic connection (a bit 'o sarcasm there) with people tells me that she suspects him of cheating and jumped to the conclusion that it must have been me (even though I live 1,600 miles away from him). He couldn't have responded to me more kindly in that voicemail that day because she was probably looking over his shoulder.
It's okay though I suppose. From what she kept screaming at me her words were telling me "we're happy together and we have a kid now!" but what I was really hearing every time she spoke "I can't allow him to stray because its impossible for me to support myself." I think she was legitimately scared that I would ruin her family. I only wish she could have heard me when I said "I have absolutely no desire to continue a romantic relationship with him. Our friendship over the past two years has been 100% platonic."
Haha, I admit I probably used too many big words in my message and she wouldn't know and therefore became more afraid.
She threatened to have some "family" come and jump me. I was telling my gal pal Gwen that I think I would solidly respect this girl if she orchestrated that feat. I have to make sure to keep my video camera handy just in case some thugs show up at my door because I would love to put my epic beat down on the internet. It would be sad however, that by causing harm to me they would ultimately be committing suicide. My father, who is a bounty hunter in Nevada, would not tolerate physical abuse towards his one and only little girl.
But by and by, I don't wish harm on any of these people. I do however, wish that they could give me some answers. I just don't understand why I was chosen for (what seems like a random) verbal attack.

Coldness and such wintery things

Fr-fr-fr-freezing balls!  Its so cold all I can do is barely move to get up for some hot tea.  Ah, tea sweet tea, how I do love thee... I'm enjoying myself on my winter break from school.  So far I've done... nothing. I'm loving it. I figure soon enough here I will get myself moving, but for now I am enjoying my quiet R&R time.  Started reading a couple books, The Picture of Dorian Gray and rereading The Vampire Lestat.  I'm spending an unmentionable ammount of time playing Sims, I'm a bad person, I know.

I'm thinking about all the stuff I need to get working on for college next fall.  I'm a bit anxious about it all but I know it will be really nice when the time comes when I get to start that new leg of my college experience.  It will be interesting having my pets there with me in a tiny appartment.  I'm sure BB won't like being stuck inside all day without her usual big yard to run around in.  I just have to walk her a lot.  Everything is going to be at such a faster pace, I really hope I can keep up.

Haha, I'm having fun putting all these pictures here... Stay warm this holiday season everyone!

Would you like to see my holiday wishlist? Check it here

Final exams do bad things to my brain

Ugh, so final exams are upon us!  My brain has been pounded so hard with Spanish vocab, first aid techniques, sign language signs, and forcing myself to keep moving in PE to stay warm.  A lovely November it is; crisp, fresh, and fucking freezing!  My angora and wool mittens are doing all they can to keep my sweet little flanges warm.  Ah, you can probably tell I'm feeling a bit connected with the earth today. I've been trying to keep my sane mind by taking intermittent breaks from studying to draw a bit of this and a bit of that.  I've got at least one sweet drawing done this week that really blows my socks off.
I think I'm ready to start listening to the local Christmas Music radio station.  I think that I look forward to getting Thanksgiving done with just so that I can listen to Christmas music... I admit that I secretly love to sing along with all the merry tunes.  It makes me wonder about religions, that Christmas music just makes me wonder...  I mean, I really don't think Christianity is for me but gosh darn it I really like their holiday music.  Some of the Psalms are really pretty and full of love and it just fills my heart with joy to listen to it all.  I have a hard time understanding why non-Christians would be so angry towards all the holiday displays.  People gathering together to be closer with one another and show thanks for each other and to just be merry seems like one of the most innocent things people of certain faiths can do.  Some rabbi got pissy a few years back because the Sea/Tac Airport had tons of Christmas decorations but no Hannukah ones.  Buddy, don't get pissy, just ask for some.  Someone probably asked for the Christmas decor, and now you too have to ask for your own decor.  I'm sorry you have to work harder to be a part of the community, but we all go through that at some point.  Some more fun holiday music to listen to are the dirges of the middle east.  I also love hybrid music of folk/dirge its so strange and so beautiful.  Check out the song "The Gates of Istanbul" at http://www.playlist.com/ and you'll know what I mean.
My one holiday wish is for everyone that reads this to write to Santa this year, if you don't send him a letter I hear that he accepts emails at http://www.emailsanta.com/.