Call me Atlas

So life's been almost too much to handle for the past few months. Luckily I know when to take a day to myself.  It's hard to remember all the things I need to catch up on.  Okay so, I moved, started school, met a guy, and made a new friend. Its hard for myself to even imagine that so much could happen in so little time.
School's great. Well, sort of... I think we can all agree that I've set myself up for a titan curricular goal (going for a Ph.D. in Anthropology).  You may or may not be aware that I've been accepted into the Honors Program at CWU.  This program requires me to take an additional 5 courses and add an innumerable amount of hours to prepare a high quality research project and thesis.  This may add on an additional quarter (or two) to my initial plan of finishing my Bachelors in two years. To tell you the truth, I have no idea where to start with this project.  A grant proposal is due in Feb. 2011 for my Summer research... argh!  This honors business has now set me up with a total of 4 different advisors and I need to figure out how to let a few of them go so that I can consolidate. I'm hoping to ditch my Anthropology advisor at the very least... he gives me the creeps.
Also, I'd like to update everyone that I have officially signed up for the B.S. (Bachelors of Science) in Anthropology, mainly because it was a heck of a lot more structured and I can definitely deal with that.  The B.S. requires several more credits and a statistics course, but all in all I think it was the right choice.  As for choosing a specific field in anthropology, that decision will have to wait a bit longer. I'm taking a few courses currently that kind of cover a range of topics.  This is good because its giving me the knowledge base required to choose a specification.  But I love it all can't I just do EVERYTHING?! Well, maybe not the primate studies, psychological anthropology, zooarchaeology, or ethics of anthropology. I just need to find my niche I suppose...
This new friend is great.  I was hoping to set up a new social group here, at least so that I don't go crazy or get completely depressed.  While standing in line at a Shopping Spree Sale before classes started I met a gal who is also studying anthropology and is new to the area. Its great to meet someone new and be able to reconnect with them regularly on campus.  I have also been a regular participant at the Anthropology Student Association club meetings which I'm hoping will start developing a solid network.
As for this guy I mentioned before, we've gone on a few dates and I'm loving it.  Only thing, I think I'm losing his interest. I admit I've been a bit slow on the git-go with my womanly wiles.  I get so many butterflies in my tummy that they start migrating into my head and I basically turn in to a zombie when I'm with him.  He's such a sweetheart, attractive, and stable.  Anyone got a cure for butterflies?  I need this.

Digging up a domicile

A lot of people have been very pessimistic towards my intention on buying a house this summer.  Well, I'm here to tell you that it's going to happen.  You can't tell me its improbable to be successful and expect me to lay flat on my back. No. You tell me it's not normal for a young woman of my age to be buying into real estate, I'm going to prove to you that I don't do normal.  If I see a house like this one and I have the money to do so, I am going to buy it.  "well sometimes things don't always work out the way you want them to..." he says. I say "If I put my mind to do something, it will happen and I will make it work." You know me well enough by now to realize that I'm not going to let other people put me down.  I don't take the easy roads, and I don't settle for less than what I deserve.  Buying a house has pros and cons sure, but they are the same pros and cons that other home buyers experience and are no more inclined to overcome them than myself.  A house like this might be perfect for me to step into.  It's not a mansion and it probably won't be my last house.  Ellensburg is a renter's market and I don't see too many problems with finding someone to rent it when I'm ready to move on.  I may not have a lifetime of experience with money but I can tell you that my conservative spending habits have kept my bank in the green, and will always continue to do so.  I have family and friends who are more than willing to help me with this venture so its not like I'm soloing it.  So people, stop being 'fraidy cats and grow a pair.  I have no fear of this so stop trying to act like you care by telling me to give up now.  When I hear you say something to the effect of: "maybe this isn't a good idea..." the only thing I hear is "I'm too afraid to do that and I don't think you should do it either." I am not you. I am a smart girl and I may learn a few lessons in doing this, but as I learn it now I will be more prepared in my future. So I dare you to try to tell me no.

Wish the weather looked better

For all general purposes I am a really good student.  I pay attention in class (snore...), I read my text books (wait, I bought text books?), I do my homework (wasn't that due next Thursday?), and I show up to class (forgetting to wake up is a perfectly decent absence excuse).  I'm just joking really, I am a good student... well, I was. The past three weeks have been a terrible blemish on my 3.75GPA record of achievement.  I haven't done my Spanish homework in a whole week, I've skipped two classes to take the time to take tests, and right now I have no idea what's on my Geology test tomorrow because I think I've been taking a mental hiatus during those hours. I feel... normal.  Of course, this is completely abnormal for myself, and it's very gray and uninteresting.  I'm coming down with a horrible case of senioritis, except I'm not a senior.  I mean, I'm graduating in a couple weeks so I suppose that would be about the same thing.  I just want for everything to be over with.  It feels like I've been drowning for the past 6 weeks and now my lungs have finally given up even trying.  I've been waking up later and later, eating more, and generally caring less. I need a week where I can just go free and let my mind wander. I'm tired of doing homework and schoolwork and just any work in general.
My job sucks. I mean, I think its a great job; its not a great job for me. I don't like working with grumpy customers, cooking disgusting food, and cleaning filth. The pay, I've noticed, is lame. It's all going straight into my savings account and thats fine, whatever. I wish I felt a bit more important or useful. As of right now, I am a peon. How sad...
Looking at prospective classes to take in the fall... How does cultural anthropology, linguistics, and intro to archaeology sound? I think it sounds like a dream.  Its going to feel strange to be able to take whatever classes I want. So far I've had to follow these cookie cutter shape general requirements.  I feel like I'm getting closer everyday to my PhD. I'm so excited.
Maybe one day when I have a stable household of my own I would like for my sister to come stay with me.  I feel like I owe her some stability.  Making a solid home base for myself is a top priority right now, and assuming I achieve this, I would like if my sister would join me.  I can't say that I'm ready for this right now, or when I'll be ready for it, but it would be nice to look forward to.

Feeling a bit stuck

Life has officially caught up with me to say the least.  During my spring break I applied for a job at the local supermarket and low and behold I got the job with very little effort. I was certainly expecting to come up against walls and barricades of all sorts, but it was as easy as pie.  I'm not saying that I think the economy has fully recovered but I do think that everything is looking a bit brighter for everyone else.  I can't say as much for myself.  I'm in school all day and working all evening and I'm on my feet constantly through all of it and my ANs (Accessory Naviculars) aren't too happy with that right now.
I am really not very happy with my family right now. I feel like I've let them down and now they are just making everything worse by letting me down.  I want everyone in my family to make the right choices, and most of the time I think they do.  But it seems that once one person starts going down everyone else tries to catch them and everyone ends up bombed at the bottom.  Its a sticky situation, but we all need to stick to our guns or give up altogether.
What this family needs to realize is that we don't have the capabilities to take on more than we can chew.  As its going right now we are heading into an all-you-can-eat buffet with full mouths.  It is so ridiculously selfish to think that we can handle a shitstorm like this.  There are people out there who want to be parents! They have been waiting all their lives for a chance to have a little baby girl and thus far have not been able to have one. What do we have? No house, we're sqatters on a pig sty in the middle of Davey Crocket's backyard, no jobs, failing school, no responsibility, no goals, and no personal boundaries. Why do we think we can handle a baby? Because we have love and family sticks together? Love does not feed mouths, and family is already torn to tatters trying to keep us afloat and kind of failing thus far.  For someone who can't properly raise a dog or keep decent grades, a baby just doesn't fit in the puzzle.
Now let's get one thing clear: I don't think raising a child is going to fail (at least not right away). But any kid raised by teenage parents is not going to be a shining gold star in society.  I want you to imagine if your parents were teenagers when you were little. Imagine all the angst, stress, tantrums, and general immaturity.  They aren't going to have time to spend with you because they have social lives to keep up.  You're going to be neglected.  Daddy ain't gonna stick around for long because he doesn't have the motivation, time, or maturity to take on the responsibility.  That is going to make you think that it's okay to act the same way as you grow up. It's not the environment you would want to grow up in, so why do you want to raise your kid that way?
There is a family out there who wants to be parents, or maybe they already are and they want another. They have a house, jobs, parenting skills, and a big empty yard ready to be filled with toys.  Letting a baby grow up in a stable house with a prepared family doesn't mean that you won't ever see her again.  You can stay in touch with the family always and you know that one day when she is all grown up she will surely want to meet you and find out everything about you.  I can't imagine that she would rather have stayed with you assuming that she's smart (and you know she will be) she'll realize that you had to make a decision to better suit her health.  This kid needs to grow up in an environment that is STABLE and RELIABLE and PREPARED.
Please.... please make the decision that has the BEST possible outcome for the baby.

When you got a good thing

Welcome to my Spring Break, and happy first day of Spring tomorrow! It's warm here, and that's shocking.  I sat for 15 minutes out in my backyard with my pup and the sun on my face felt great. It is starting to give those faint smells of Summer in Washington, that smell that I love so much.  You know how different places give off special smells right before it rains, or right after a thunder storm? Well in Seattle it smells great whenever the sun is out.  Its funny when the sun is out because people go mad; they mow lawns and walk dogs and kids run through the streets like crazy little urchins.  On a normal gray day I'm lucky if I get a glimpse of a neighbor's face.
The past couple days have been energized with creativity.  I finished about 3 of my pencil pieces that I had started a while back. It really does feel great to finish something and it is especially good when the finished product looks absolutely great! I have decided to try to keep drawing as much as possible during break, I never get a chance while I'm slaving over school assignments.

Please see my deviant page here.

Well here I am, starting my last quarter before I get my AA degree.  The excitement for moving on to bigger places this fall is rocketing through my veins. I could use some help from someone to walk on my back to get all these stress kinks out.
I think I'm going to try to get a job for the summer, but I'm not going to kill myself just for a position. I'd like to be selective about where I work; something close, easy, and not too degrading. The only thing that matters about the pay is that its something. Maybe I could do some babysitting around the neighborhood or bagging groceries at the market down the street. Let me know if you want me to watch your kids!
I saw a sneak peak preview of the Disney Princess Repunzel movie coming out this Fall, exciting! I miss being a little kid and being able to watch princess movies all the time, but I suppose no one would mind too much if I stick with the habit even as an adult.

Golden goals and things of kings

Boy-wonder of the real golden age.  Of course his reign was not long or world-shatteringly significant, we can't put aside the sparkling fact that he holds a special place in every educated person's heart. Pharaoh Tutankhamen is a cutie by all accounts, especially his coin purse, makes me a bit jealous of his sister.

 

Egyptology is an alluring field of study for all archaeologists I suppose. I think that I could excel in that field... deserts, obelisks, and mummies; why not? I've been extremely interested in archaeology ever since a silly field trip in the 3rd grade visiting the Taos Pueblo, but ask me what I want to do as an archaeologist and I wouldn't be able to give you a straight answer. I like the idea of picking through ancient south american ruins deep in the heart of the Amazon jungle. I also think it would be a torrent of fun to work with primates, linguistics, and ancient religions. I have a physical affinity with paleoanthropology, due to my darling accessory naviculars but I may not have the intellectual drive to follow through with that heavy load of medical studies.

Taos Pueblo, N.M.

I did a bit of research on what its going to be like trying to get a PhD in Archaeology and at first glance it looked just as difficult as I expected it to be. As I read a bit more I realized that most of what I found was aggrandizement trying to make a PhD look like an impossible feat. With only 16 archaeology PhDs awarded in University of WA in 2006 it did seem like a slim chance. But I don't think it is impossible. I think that I will be able to do this with flying colors and not a skipped beat. After I get my AA, I've only got 9 more years to go! Everyday that I receive junk mail in my mailbox will be a day started with a smile. Every envelope I pick up will have the name Dr. K. Harig on it.

Also, I may decided to take another course of action other than the Peace Corps after I get my BA. I think that it may be an interesting experience to help an organization for the aid and preservation of endangered ape species such as orangutans, bonobos, chimpanzees, or gorillas. I mean, how can you say no to a face like this?

There is this thing called responsibility

It's interesting, (what? you say. I don't know how to describe it really).  I just feel odd about everything these days. The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray... I feel like I'm balancing on the edge of a knife. Basically I feel like I am about to fall any second.  I'm trying so hard to keep up with school and I'm getting really fearful because everything is getting more and more difficult.  Just last week I did something so awful and it sears painfully in my brain and hasn't released its grip on me.  I walked into my anatomy class and everyone had scantron answer sheets out and I thought "oh we're having a pop quiz? Hmm..." I sat down and the professor passes out the papers and says "I want you to write the essay portion ON THE EXAM!" Ha, needless to say I was on the verge of tears. I had no idea about the exam. I had been so preoccupied with my red hot levels of stress for the upcoming Spanish exam. I got a close-to fail grade and I surely deserved it. I'm still waiting to hear my score for my Spanish exam but if its not better than the AP one, I'll cry myself into oblivion. If I don't pass all of my classes from now on, I might have to stay here for Summer quarter. That will devastate me for sure. I feel so fragile about everything right now.

My family here is freaking out like an ants nest on fire and I feel awkward because I'm the mooring post for everyone. I am the most stable and composed person out of everyone and that means that I'm the one they come to for advice and help. Don't tell me you think I should be a counselor, I'll slap you. I get enough drama from my family and I refuse to turn that into a lifelong career. I've never been super childish when it comes to how and what I think constantly. I do however, use a nifty guise as an aloof and playful girl when I'm away from all the weights of reality. I enjoy being a bit carefree from time to time. It lets me detach from dreary lane at home.  All my life from years 2-16 when I was living with my mother I was her PDA (personal data assistant). I reminded her when it was time to pay bills, go to work, go to bed, buy groceries, but too bad I couldn't get her to clean or remember to pick me up from after-school activities.  When I left for the summer in 2000 she went crazy and I came home to a new sister on the way.  Hazel and I probably grew closer together than Jana and I did because I was beyond my sibling rivalry years and slightly more prepared to help.  I take 100% of the credit for teaching Hazel to read, care about her studies, and ultimately skip a grade the next school year. That was the last year I lived with my mom, and unfortunately I don't entirely know the status of Hazel's academic level.  I admit not being particularly close with Jana, and in my opinion it had a lot to do with sibling rivalry when we were younger. As a 4 year old in Jana's first year, I was utterly pissed with my mother for not giving me a little brother like I asked.  Poor Jana was singled out by my disregard for her existence, and since I guide my mother it may seem that my mother turned from her a little bit also. I feel guilty  deep down for not holding my family together better, but when I step back and analyze it as a whole, how was a child like me supposed to be the sole person responsible for supporting a family's emotions?

I also feel like a deserter for leaving. When I left the house, the family just crumbled apart. My mother lost it and dumped her long-term boyfriend (who provided the financial support for the 5 years they were together). She lost her house and was forced to live somewhere else. I can't say exactly what happened because its all in shadow for me. But it seems like mom lost her touch even more with a teenage Jana and may have been relying on the support of Hazel who has never had to be a family rock in all her life. I've always tried being a good role model for my sisters and sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough, or if it even matters...

Today things are a bit scary because my mom is jobless with her current residence in extreme danger of being lost. Jana is reaching out to the wrong people for support because her family has never given her any. And Hazel is coming onto that age where she may make a turn for the worst if she's weighed down too much by a struggling family. I feel guilty for leaving my family behind, but I also feel very responsible to keep myself on the straight and narrow so that I will be free to care for a family of my own some day. I'm tight-rope balancing on the blade of knife.

Not so sure about these things

I don't usually make a great effort at advertising my eligibility for romantic encounters.  I'm so busy with school at the moment (I'll expand on this in a moment) and I just don't have the time to go out and woo and get wooed.  So my relationship with my current lover is getting dangerously unstable because neither he nor I have time to spend with each other and therefore are not leaving our "honeymoon" phase like a proper couple should.  I'm getting uncomfortable stagnating in the honeymoon phase and having to force myself to come up with reasons to stay with him.  I'm also getting pushed into what I call the "healer's corner" thats when I'm only there because I feel the need to fix or heal the person (and usually I'm not able to). When I'm in the healer's corner I will inevitably forget the reasons I am in a relationship in the first place, like love. I never win when I'm stuck in the corner. I end up leaving and feeling like a failure because I can't help the person and maybe even made them worse than before. So I'm not sure about how to deal with this.  What I like most is that he checks off all my required boxes for the Mr. Right checklist; the only problem is that I can't get into him. Usually I am complaining about how easily I fall into an infatuation but this time it's completely different.  I feel like I need to please him but I end up falling short because I'm not comfortable (we've only been seeing each other sporadically for the past year). This uncomfortableness is relatively new to me because in the past I've had absolutely no problems jumping off bridges for men.  Half of me thinks some catalyst will make things work and the other half is saying that its obviously not going to work.
For the past three weeks I have been surprised at how smooth my classes were going.  Besides being terrified of my Anatomy teacher and intolerant for Spanish 122 everything has been relatively easy.  This weekend was my congratulatory celebration at my arrival into Hell.  All of my teachers (except for PE of course) decided to assign major weekend projects.  Due on Monday: a 2-5 page essay on genetics for Biological Anthropology, 3 sets of video questions for Spanish, 2 Anatomy worksheets, study for a Spanish exam and a Anthropology exam, and I promised to help a classmate study for the Anthropology exam by typing all of my lecture notes.  So I woke up extra early on Saturday to get started on my marathon and before I knew it the sun was down and I hadn't even eaten breakfast. With a little less than half of my genetics essay done and everything else to go, I was super worried, super tired, and super hungry.  No worries, I don't expect to go insane quite yet, but who knows, it might not be far off if I have more weekends like this.  Today I woke up early again and geared for some hard core scholastic adventures, but to my dismay we were all out of caffeinated tea and I wasn't ready to go to battle without some extra influence.  Its a short and very cold bike ride to the store for sure. I rarely ever drink energy drinks, but my brain was begging for a binge today. So my day was fueled by a continuous supply of caffeine, and now I'm 90% done with everything.  I'll have to remind myself not to look over my work tomorrow or else I might come to find out that my drug-induced ramblings hardly make justice for a genetics essay or that hyped up spanglish doesn't get full credit on video questions. It'll have to do.
Anyways, CWU wants me to send them $100 as a confirmation that I've chosen to attend in the Fall (as if their tuition isn't going to be enough to kill me?), if anyone wants to make a donation, it would be fabulously appreciated.

Relaxing is my thing

So as crazy as it all boils down to during this first week and a half of class, I feel pretty serene.  I have been officially accepted to Central Washington University for Fall quarter of 2010.  I think that is a pretty decent accomplishment on my part because I have been known to be very lazy and non-punctual.
I have a treat for everyone today. Its an old picture of my little sis Jana, my soul-twin Sean, and little me.

Awww look I'm so cute! And if you're wondering where I am when this was taken, no I'm not in the snow, its White Sands Missile Range in New Mexico. Yeah, so that's your gift, happy birthday.
I'm thinking I need to be on a reality TV show. It'll be tough to get onto one though, because we all know everyone who applies is faker than a cake. But I figure I'll just get dandy with a producer or something. Easy peasy. But anyways, this show is gonna probably be something like the Bachelorette but Hell no I won't promise to marry anyone. I think I should just be able to date a plethora of men at once and have them physically battle each other to the death for the chance to win my heart (but they won't win because that's silly). I just want to see the fists fly. It could be called The Bachelorette: Colosseum of Gladiators! And all the men can be fat nerds too! That would be wonderful. And if anyone cries, besides me, they will get automatically disqualified. Needless to say, the show should last a whole day or two of filming before failing.
So I want everyone to know that dogs are amazing! My sweet pea BB is the best dog I could have ever asked for. I love how I come home early with my new school schedule and I'm just exhausted and jonesing for a nap and she just plops up on my bed and snuggles with me until I fall asleep.  Her fluffy little body is the best cuddly bear for afternoon naps.  I have two words to say: Unconditional Love. Wow, that's deep.